Our Beloved Children / Pamela Frost (None)
Dear Jane:
Although we've never met, we belong to a certain club that neither of us ever wanted to be a part of. My 32 year old daughter Jen passed away 6 years ago. Recently I was saddened by what a cold hearted person had to write on your beloved son's tribute page. I feel like I want to respond to that person and I hope you don't mind I am using this vehicle to do so. I also hope that it will help you in some way, help you to understand that there are so many different kinds of people in this world, many of them not only cold-hearted, but I don't think they even have hearts. Our Lord created these people so that we could all see the difference and strive not to be as they are, that is my feeling, anyway.
My Jen was admitted to the hospital with pneumonia, the doctors called it a mild case at the time. While Jen was in the hospital working to get well, she picked up an infection that killed her. It all happened so suddenly that there are times that I still think it was all a bad dream and I pray for someone to wake me. At the moment of Jen's death, I thought that I would also die, I even hoped that I would die. I didn't want to continue living in a world that she was absent from. My sons tell me that I resembled a mechanical doll in the days that followed. I had to make the arrangements for Jen's services, I had to make sure that her life was honored properly.
I don't remember much about those 5 days, except standing at my daughter's coffin and begging her to open her eyes and come back to me. The days/weeks and months that followed are a blur to me. I know that my daughter Dawn stayed with me while my husband was at work, but I don't think we even spoke to one another during those long days. Was I angry with Dawn? with Bob? Why didn't I talk to anyone? Whenever Dawn would bring the Grandkids by, it made me nervous and somehow angry. Was I angry with my Grandkids? All I did know was that something inside of me had stopped or grown hard. It was and still is a terrible feeling to wake up with and go to bed with each night.
The first months after Jen's passing, friends would stop by, teary eyed with food in their hands and always offering big hugs and any kind of help I needed. As the months went by I realized I wasn't seeing friends anymore, just Dawn and Bob. Everyone seemed to turn to the phone to comfort me with the same words, Pam, it's been a year now. You have Dawn, 2 sons, 6 Grandkids, so much to live for, YOU HAVE TO GET OVER THIS. This meaning the death of my precious baby girl, Jen. Eventually I stopped taking the calls, not wanting to offend anyone by speaking the words I held back. The visits had stopped and now the phone calls had stopped. Everyone thought there was something the matter with poor Pam. They were all right too, what was wrong with me was that flesh of my flesh, blood of my blood had died and I was having trouble coming to terms with my beautiful daughter's death. How would they feel I thought? They all had children of their own, how would they feel if they woke up tomorrow and found out one of their children had died. That question ran around in my head for a very long time, how would they feel? Then I realized the ugly truth. There are some people in this world who can lose loved ones and get over their death and carry on as if they never existed. That, from what I can figure, is getting over IT. I will never get over losing my beautiful Jen. I will never accept the Lord's will on this one and I will never forget all those people who suggested I get over it. Their time will come, I am sure of that, and they had better pray that there is at least one family member or friend who refuses to get over their death, if not, they will be forgotten and the world will go on as if they never existed. To Karen, I think that what you wrote to Jane was hurtful and I think that you are an evil person.
To Jane: even though we don't know one another, I feel like I know you, just through your Adam's memorial site. By all accounts, he was a beautifull, loving young man who deserves to be remembered forever. I think you have done wonderful things to help perpetuate Adam's memory and you should not feel badly or embarrassed about anything you have done in Adam's name.
2 years after Jen's death I tried to kill myself with pills. The same hospital, the same doctors, were able to save me but could not save Jen, make sense out of that. I spent 18 months in therapy and still felt no different when I was "cured". When my son created the memorial site for my Jen, my feelings began to return to my shell of a body. I had reason to go on the computer every day, smiled at the witty things that were written about my baby and had an outlet for my deepest grief. I read about some of the things you did to keep Adam's memory alive and present in each day and learned how your faith has helped you through some of the darkest days. Since meeting both you and Adam, I have found a church I feel comfortable in, planted a tree for Jen at her grade school and even started celebrating her birthday as you do for Adam. I've learned it's ok not to "get over it" and I am hoping that I have convinced you today that it's ok to continue what you've been doing in Adam's memory and forget about the cold hearted, nasty people who think there is something wrong with your actions and words.
I hope that Jen and Adam have found one another in heaven Jane, for I think they are similar souls. They see how we are being treated by friends and family and they now know who truly loved them.
I pray that you stay well and continue to honor Adam's memory until the day we are all together again with our loved ones. God Bless you Jane. I'm sure Adam is very proud of his Mom.
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